Deep Breath....and relax

This week has been frustrating, upsetting and exhausting in equal measures, upon leaving work I stood in the rain and took a deep breath before getting into my car. I need that breath to enable me to leave work behind for the bank holiday weekend, to stop dwelling, to stop thinking of what needs doing every hour, to stop thinking of how disrespected (Veterinary) nurses are.


I have quite a negative, cynical view on the world, and many a times this is my only way of coping with things. I used to refer to the human race as "human lab rats" because my depression threw me so deeply into turmoil that emotions failed to register and I felt as though I was watching others experience life I merely existed in it. I lived without comprehension of happiness, sadness, attraction, etc. I got pretty good at faking a smile though! That smile is still used on occasion to stop the awkward explanation of why I don't care about what people were doing three weeks before their animal became ill. The last few months my depression has subsided, but my migraines have increased in force - which I find a little unnerving. Unless it's a parasitic twin living out it's days in my brain then I won't be happy with the diagnosis my neurologist is going to give me.

I find myself thinking more about the fact I'm 24 years old, and have not really lived life yet. I haven't travelled somewhere exotic, gotten lost while hiking, tasted sea slug etc. I do some extreme sports, I do running for charity, I donate blood, and yet I still feel empty. Something, somewhere, is missing. A year or so ago I experienced what it was like to nearly lose my life, my car lost control (not something I could even control as the driver) on a motorway in busy morning traffic. I passed a few lanes of traffic and ended up on the hardshoulder with my heart lodged in my throat and my stomach beside my rectum! I didn't hit anyone, no other car was involved, somehow I had navigated traffic with a car not fully working and come to a complete stop. As the adrenaline invaded my bloodstream and that dreaded light headed feeling came I realised that the probability for surviving something like that was slim to none......so imagine my surprise when something similar happened months later in a different car!!! Ever since I passed my driving test I was positive that I'd die in a car, I spend most of my life driving, I spent more time on motorways than I do at home. Those two near misses made me totally re-evaluate everything, and I established that it's time I got out and saw the world......experienced life. I still haven't fully. But at least now I do things for other people rather than seeing them as merely huge lab rats.

I read a study today about how people cannot be truly altruistic. This is something I have been contemplating for a while now, well, since my last blood donation. The main difference between the two theories was the definition of selfishness - I donate blood in case I ever need a transplant, the brain box behind the study says that people are altruistic to get that "buzz/high" from knowing you helped someone else. Which I suppose is true. I took part in a charity run a few months back in memory of someone, and to raise money in support of finding a cure.... and though the initial buzz was good, it soon wore off with the realisation that she should have been there to see me run for her as a survivor rather than in her memory. Could it be that there is no such thing as pure altruism? But if this is true, then what about those people who risk their lives for strangers, they don't think at the time, "oh I'm going to get such a buzz from saving this person".

Hmmm

work waffle

Well, I have known for a while that my boss could not be trusted, I believe the correct description of his personality is "sociopath". His grandiose sense of self worth is ridiculous, every employee is basically "his item, his slave". Bought and paid for. His children have the same ideals as him, they get dumped with us when they finish work and repeatedly tell us "my daddy owns you". One of my colleagues prevented one of the little bastards from getting injured in the work environment and nearly lost her job for "touching the child" when she'd infact moved the child behind her to stop a dog attacking it. A thankyou wouldn't have gone far would it? Personally I'd have let the child get mauled.

Today I found out my boss owes me over a grand, money I will never see. Money that I need. He's been cheating me out of money while paying me below minimum wage (which is allowed when you're a trainee). I'm having to take a second job because of lack of money, and all the while he's complaining of lack of funds while shipping his whole family off for three weeks in the caribbean. I am tempted to remotely hack into his computer system and blitz his computer with one badass virus.........but alas, his computer doesnt work of it's own accord, and he has no idea what "virtual memory" is, so I suppose watching him get slowly more stressed about the fact it's taking twenty minutes to load up is payback of a sort.

Now, I'm writing this while in a mini rage.....induced by the fact I work nights occasionally, without pay (another clause sneakily placed into my contract - I have since learned that reading a contract more thoroughly will prevent situations such as this), and last night I did just that....and nearly ended up putting myself on IV metoclopramide rather than the animal we had in for intensive care treatment. I also had to work my usual day shift today, while looking like death warmed up, actually the merry scythe wielder may in fact have looked sexier than I today, I also may or may not have mistaken the table for someone when I walked into it earlier as I apologised to it. D'uh! My boss came in with a smile on his face having had a decent 8-10 hours sleep, and picked me as his shadow today knowing I was on my 26th hour of work without sleep. Needless to say I bricked it. Especially when I was asked to put an animal to sleep, by injecting into the tongue (a site generally reserved for when animal's crash on the table and adrenaline needs administering ASAP), I could see myself shaking from nerves and lack of sugar (and possible caffeine withdrawal). His face was mere centimetres from mine as I inserted the needle into the vein and pulled back on the syringe, I think we both gasped when blood came back indicating I could proceed with overdosing the animal with an anaesthetic. He expected me to fail, like he expected me to fail with taking radiographs, like he always expects failure. Today the only thing he could fault me on were the bags under my eyes, because I had obviously left my concealer at home......honestly, when working a night shift, who takes concealer with them?

Sometimes, being the underdog pays off when you see the surprised glances.

Taking another risk

Well, I have been given the option to return to academia, I haven't set foot in a university since my BSc Psychology degree..........until this week. Somehow I managed to scrape an interview at once of the most prestigious universities in the UK, which took me completely by surprise, more so with the fact the course won't start for another year. The course in question; MSc Clinical Neuroscience! Half way through the year each student has to pick a specialism, I have already picked mine, which shouldn't be a surprise to those of you who know me -> the specialism I have chosen is the neuroscience behind mental illnesses and neuro-rehabilitation. Which is rather exciting!

So once again I am switching career paths, and heading back to the mental health field after my detour into veterinary nursing. For some reason I keep coming back to that path. I keep wanting to know more about the causes, and possible treatments. I want to know what makes us susceptible to these illnesses, and I want to know if there is a way of preventing them. I want to know how to re-wire the brain after it fails. I want to know what it's like to go into work today knowing that I could actually make a difference to people.

I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm excited. I'm worried that I won't be intelligent enough, I'm worried that I won't cope with being back in academia, I'm worried about leaving my home and relocating for this. I'm worried that I won't find the answers to my questions. I'm worried I won't be able to handle it all. At the same time, I'm excited; I know (without a shadow of a doubt) that I would regret not taking this opportunity, I'd regret not challenging myself and trying.

I'd regret not risking everything for a dream. Naive huh?

199

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8200492.stm

How many more Gordon Brown? How many more lives are you going to destroy? While you sit in Parliament and argue about expenses, you argue about money as though that is more important. It's not! 199 is too many! 1 is too many! Your government lied to us about our reasons for being there, you still do not give us the full story, and yet my own sibling is going to fight. And even though I'm proud of him for going, for risking his life......I'm terrified that he is about to become another statistic for you and your pathetic cronies to ignore. You are not concerned about this "war", you are concerned about the money scandal! How many men do you personally know that are risking their lives? How many friends? Family? Instead of allowing members of parliament to use tax payers money to buy second or third homes, buy helicopters, armour, medical supplies, etc instead. Open your eyes and see whats really happening! Because all I see are a group of money grabbing, egotistical, gas filled, morons who place themselves above everyone else.

We've lost too many men already........but then, you'd only notice if they looked like pennies.

http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/

Ummm

I totally love honey and butter on toast......yes at the same time.......no I'm not sick.

Well, not totally ;D

It's like being stoned

Today, I am migraine free! I know, I know, I may be celebrating early, but right now I'm happy just not having the feeling that something is clawing it's way through my skull to escape. Work has been nothing short of a nightmare recently, the mere smell of surgical spirit knocked me sick, my head spinning and thumping like a bad pole dancer, my balance nearly shot. So far I havent had to use the Super Meds prescribed by my GP, and with each slight indication of an incoming attack I pray I don't have to ever use them....especially as they are the most expensive tablets I've ever had to buy!!! If they work when I need them it's fine, but what if they don't? Just like the others?

Also, what is it with people changing their attitude towards me now because of the appointment? I've been having these migraines for nearly ten years and all of a sudden I'm being told to take it easy by friends, family and colleagues - just because I have an appointment with a specialist, changing habits now won't help. Last week I was still running around as though someone had stuck explosive devices up my rear end and no one blinked an eye. Perhaps I just have a thing about being treated like an invalid when I know I'm not, or perhaps I feel a bit cheated by people wanting to "look after me" when they could have tried being more compassionate over the past few years.

And the good news is?

Well, I've just gotten back from the GP's office and......I'm being sent to a neurologist. My doc reckons there is something wrong in my noggin, which has been hiding itself as migraine symptoms. Hopefully not, otherwise i'll have spent the past ten years with something growing alongside my brain. Very odd prospect. Oh gad what if it's a mutant twin?! Might explain my evils tendancies, mwahahahaha!

On a serious note, I got offered Amitriptyline as a migraine medication....which is also a psychoactive drug or more specifically a tricyclic anti-depressant. But, in small doses can actually stop migraines. Unfortunately, my doc seems to think that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to be on them as they more than likely won't touch the pain. Has anyone out there been on Amitriptyline? What's it like as a drug? Side effects maybe? I'm a little curious as I've been give Sumatriptan, but the last time I was given it the drug didn't touch the sides; so Amitriptyline may be the next step.

I dont think my boss is going to like me taking time off.

Oh dear

As I sit here watching Star Trek Enterprise I realise that up until recently the only reason I was watching this programme was because of;

Thats right Trekkies - Dominic Keating (Lt. Malcolm Reed). I can't actually explain to you what it is about him that my 24 year old self finds attractive, the accent, the jumpsuit, I just don't know. Mesmerising.

Anyways, *snaps out of it* - I read an interview he did a few years back when I was oncall over the weekend and thought I'd share the main question;

Which of the other Enterprise blokes could you beat in a fistfight? "Oh, none! Hmm, maybe John Billingsley [Dr Phlox]...but he's got the weight on me. Connor and Anthony and Scott are big strapping, corn-fed fellas. I'm fairly fit - by English standards - but these guys, they're six foot and all muscle. I'm not even 5' 10". But as they say, diamonds are small...!"
Finally, a philosophical question... "Philosophical? Oh you've lost me right there. (Puts on a Vicki Pollard voice) A what? Yeah, but, no but, yeah. Shut up!"
Please be serious, Dominic. Okay, here's the question : If there was a fight between a group of cavemen and a group of astronauts, who would win? "Well, it depends on the environment really, doesn't it? But I would imagine the cavemen could kick the living crap out of the astronauts - they're all mathematicians. My money's on the cavemen mate!"

(Full interview here; http://www.dominickeating.com/2005/Interviews/2005_september.htm)

So, who would win in fight between cavemen and astronauts?

.......

Greetings mere mortals....and zombies too

Hello any newbies to my world......no doubt by the end of the Twilight Zone adventure that is my random ramblings we will all be wearing aluminium foil hats....I have to say I look totally swish in one of those. Anyways - some of you may remember me (though I doubt it) from the Goesroundandround blog created a few years back when I was working in mental health, needless to say I went a bit too far and ended up blowing my cover by revealing the blog to a *ahem* "mate" who blabbed to my supervisor, unfortunately my blog was removed, and I was resigned to twiddling my thumbs for a while.

For those of you who don't know me, it's cool. Welcome along, chances are I will do nothing more than geek out at Star Trek, talk about psychological issues or neuroscience topics that I come across when bored at 2am, extreme sports, or may even mention my job (which is no longer in mental health.....but feels like it with the people I work with), so feel free to share any comments or gossip on any of those. No doubt it will just be a torrent of waffle based upon whatever misdeed I have done, or one that someone has beat me to. But welcome anyways.

At the moment I'm working away from home, which totally sucks. What is it about being away from home that makes you miss your own bathroom??? Other than the fact that the mold in the bathroom here is totally winking at me whenever I shower *shudders* Think this....

"How you doin'?" *wink*

.....but on the ceiling. Barf! So it tends to be a toss up between whether I shower and suddenly develop asthma, or go around like a smelly git for the whole time I'm away from home....usually I just give in and risk my lungs. Ace. Think the only time I wouldn't shower would be at a music festival, on the grounds that there is always someone smellier and sweatier than thou...and usually they're drugged up to notice! Win-win!

On that smelly note, I once again welcome you to my random world, hope you enjoy your stay

;D