News - what a load of rubbish

Well, i've been off work for the past two weeks. I was too stressed, i wasn't functioning correctly, and I had a nice sprinkling of severe gastroenteritis. It took me to look the same colour as a kiwi fruit and being incoherent for my boss to realise I was one poorly puppy and sent me home. Technically I should never have left my bed that morning but I was getting guilt-inducing texts from my colleagues - one of which is off sick now because she's "stressed" due to being me down at work. Give me a break, so now my supervisor is demanding to know when I'm returning because everyone is stressed - erm, seriously, no one wants me in work with gastroenteritis. No one.

Anyways, I never realised just how much rubbish there is on TV during the day, until these past two weeks. I have a choice of Jeremy Kyle or Trisha, both with their bucktoothed, lazy eyed, stoned, overweight, individuals who are either bumping uglies with their best friend's man or with their own family members. Makes me wonder why I actually work, I could become a baby-mama and have everything paid for by the tax payer, instead of paying for these other sloths! They make me sick. I'd love to kick their fat lazy asses into gear right down to the job centre. Don't get me wrong, those who need benefits should have it, and those who are off work sick need a better benefit package. But these leeches on society need sorting out, there's a reason we're staying in ecomonic turmoil, the fact there are people being paid more on benefits than those working! (My friend - who has one young child- gets at least £100 more than me per month, and I work. She also has a new house, fully furnished, by everybody paying tax. Her child is old enough to be in a creche, and she is able to work. Instead, shes planning on getting pregnant again to avoid working - nice).

And theres also the current "anger" on the news with regards to the Sun newspaper taking the Conservatives side over Labours . Seriously, there are plenty of MPs (Lord Mandelson I'm looking at you!) who have thrown their toys totally out of the pram; infact, toys, dummy, diaper, everything! It's infuriating, the conservatives didn't rip up the newspaper when it was backing labour, they didn't kick off about bias, they just got on with things regardless. So why is there all this crying and bitching now! Plus, no offense to the Sun, but I'd only buy that in one situation - when all the toilet roll in the world mysteriously disappeared. The Sun will not be making my decision for me......my decision is based upon the current soft incompetent twit in power. If you're working class, then you're not represented. I have a low income, can't get on the property ladder, and still pay an extortionate amount of tax for an NHS service that's definitely not up to parr. The government is a let down, and no amount of screaming will change that fact. I find it totally laughable that a pregnant hippo could do a better job than Gordon Brown when it comes to running the country. But thats just my two cents. In the meantime, labour stop bitching about the Sun - they, like everyone else, know what a total letdown you are.

To top it off

My boss called, that vet has taken back his resignation. I'm forced to work with this guy unless I can find something better. Lets hope I'm feeling better tomorrow, because I have a job interview with another vets ;D Wish me luck not only for the interview, but for me feeling a bit better.

Just me and Enterprise

Just when I thought I was getting used to these tablets I get kicked in the teeth; last night I was frozen. Physically shivering, teeth chattering. I was wrapped in a double duvet, and a single duvet, as well as wearing two sets of pjs, a hoody and 3 sets of socks. And my teeth were still chattering. I was still shaking. I was still cold. I would expect my body to react that way should I be stranded in the middle of the antartic in my underwear, not at home in a duvet nest. Part of me expected to see my breath clouding infront of my face when I breathed out. I must have been there a few hours before sleep took over, but those few hours felt like a life time.

At 3am I woke up sweating, looks like my temperature gauge finally kicked in. So I stripped down to my first lot of pjs and threw my single duvet on the floor. My head was spinning, I could barely keep my eyes open - they were sore and painful, I felt sick, I felt dizzy. I crashed back into bed and huddled into the warm duvet hoping for sleep. I didn't dream. Again. I awoke at 9am feeling as though I'd merely blinked rather than slept, my head still filled with marshmellow. I called in sick again, as I had done the past three days, knowing I have another weeks worth of these side effects before the Amitriptyline should settle and I would return to some semblance of normality. I miss the gym, I miss the rock climbing, I miss being able to walk to the shop without feeling too exhausted to walk back. I hope that this tablet is the cure for the migraines, because otherwise I'll be going through this hell for no reason.

I dragged my double duvet downstairs and threw it on the sofa, both my dogs eyeing it up as a comfortable place to sleep should I stay out of it for long enough. I grabbed my DVD boxset from the table and placed disc 3 into the DVD player, another day of Star Trek Enterprise. I cuddled up on the sofa, wrapped in the duvet and generally geeked out. I could lose days and days watching that series, it shouldn't have been cancelled after 4 seasons......though I haven't seen Season 4 yet. But will be doing should these side effects carry on!

Dr Do-nothing

Well, the shit hit the fan yesterday. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but at 2am yesterday morning I woke with a blinding migraine. Eyes felt as though they were swollen and incredibly painful, I didn't dare turn on the light for fear that the photophobia would kick in and I would spend the next few hours trying to claw my eyes out with my chewed fingernails. I stumbled about in the dark, grabbing at walls, doors, banisters, anything to keep me standing....well, wobbling....until I reached the bathroom and vomitted. I haven't fallen asleep with my head on a toilet seat since university, and I must admit, I haven't missed it in the slightest. I awoke a few hours later with daylight coming through the window, and decided to move, well the aching in my back told me to move. I used the side of the bath to hoist myself up, and then realised if I didn't steady myself, I'd probably pass out and smash my nose on the very toilet seat I was trying to get away from.

My brain felt too big for my skull, the intense pressure was causing temple and occipital pain....which made me incredibly dizzy. While I realise that walking in the dark is going to make me disorientated anyway, I'm pretty sure the light would have completely shattered me. I made my way back to bed and hid away for hours, drifting the day away, slipping in and out of consciousness. I wanted to stay out of reality, my head hurt too badly to be awake. I'd rather have not existed that had to contend with that any longer. I cried when I was awake, I cried until I crashed out again. I made a duvet nest, and buried my head under the pillows. Nothing mattered but the pulsating pain raging in my skull. I wanted to drill holes in my temples, as strange as it sounds now I'm lucid, an electric drill to the side of the skull was actually a really tempting prospect. I daren't open my eyes for fear of further pain and discomfort. The outside world didn't matter, just the world incased in pillow. I controlled my breathing and kept it to a minimum, trying to fool my body into believing we were calm, we were in control, we were ok. We weren't ok, and no amount of slow breathing was making it so. I considered phoning my dad and heading to A&E, but what more could they do for a migraine attack. As I've been told for the past ten years, theres nothing really that could be done other than popping pills, I'd be nothing more than a burden.

I just lay there, in the same place, until mum came home. She states even now that I wasn't coherent, but she'd seen it before when I first started getting migraines. She knows how to react, water, comfort, and time to let me sleep......she checks on me when I'm out for the count just to make sure I'm not getting worse.

For 24 hours, I didn't exist.

Today I saw my GP, I hoped he would give me advice. I hoped he would put my mind at ease. I hoped wrong. He told me the symptoms of my migraine without taking my view into account. He basically tried putting words in my mouth. He told me how I should be feeling, how I should be giving the Amitriptyline the 2 month to settle, how it was all hormonal. Yes, you read that right, it's all hormonal! Wooo, there we are migraine sufferers around the world, blame your hormones........oh, wait, didn't we already test for that? Yes we did. Migraines are apparantly related to hormones when there is a drop in oestrogen levels in the blood around the time of a female's period, which can be caused by the combined pill. Oestrogen and progestogen. You drop the increased level of Oestrogen by changing the pill, to a Progestogen only one. Technically you should not be on a combined pill if you suffer from migraines, especially those with aura, as you are of a higher risk of stroke later in life. I changed my pill from a combined to a Progestogen only about 5 years ago, it made no change to my migraines, so my pill was changed back to a combined, today it changed back to a Progestogen only. I get the feeling the doctors are running out of options. I'm willing to give the Progestogen only pill and Amitriptyline a try for 2 months, just out of necessity.

I'm willing to put up with the side effects, and the fact that my dress size may increase from my happy 8-10 UK. But what I'm not happy with, is the fact that the doctors go round in circles. Lets try diet restriction, we've done that twice over and I have a very healthy diet. Lets try changing your pill, we've done that twice over. Lets change to a triptan, check my records - I have adverse reactions to those, as stated many a time before. Lets try this medication - I've heard this six times already. Lets try upping your exercise - I do over an hour of exercise every day (gym and rock climbing), what more do you want? Lets cut out drinking and smoking - I don't do either and havent since I was 15 years old. Seriously! It's infuriating. Every time I see a doctor we go through all that, how hard is it just to check my damned records? For the past 10 years this is all I've had, I don't want what ifs anymore, I want something solid. I do everything I can to prevent these attacks, so why can't the NHS work with me on this? They treat me like a burden because they can't physically see or feel what's going on. As though I'm lying.

Doctors seem to do the same thing, they distance themselves from the things they can't explain and treat you as burdens when there is nothing physically there. I'm tired of being fobbed off. I'm tired of being treated like a liar. I'm tired of doctors.

5 days in

Well, it's been 5 days since I took the first Amitryptaline tablet. I still have headaches......and I'm now also hungry and tired all the time too. I can't decide whether I'm more hungry or sleepy - how does that work? I feel like eating until I'm sick, and then still pigging out! I eat and eat and eat, and my body still tells me it's starving. What. The. Hell? Though the strangest thing I've encountered is during this feeding frenzy, I have determined I also have the capability to fall asleep. Waking up to realise you've basically face planted onto the chocolate bar you were eating about an hour earlier is just plain peculiar. I have now realised that soup is probably a bad idea. Though this thought process took a while to get through the marshmellow that is currently clouding my brain.

This is the expression I currently have-

minus blood of course

The Amitriptyline is ensuring I have plenty of sleep (as it can be used to treat insomnia) , the only problem is, my body doesn't realise this. It's like having a general anaesthetic; you fall asleep and seemingly automatically wake up again exhausted with an air of confusion. You don't dream. It's as though you don't fall deep enough to dream. Strangely, it also affects how much you day dream too, which I don't like. I miss my day dreams. I miss my dreams. I find myself wondering if Amitriptyline has this affect on other people too, or if I'm the only one having these things stolen from me. Ironically, I feel in a dissociative state most of the time now, I could probably stare at a wall for hours on end and not realise I'd done it until someone woke me from the stupor....or I fell asleep.

Say a hello to.....

Amitriptyline. A psychoactive drug of the tricyclic anti-depressant (TCA) group, it inhibits serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake and is an anticholinergic drug. Meaning it would block the neurotransmitter acetylcholine. According to wiki it's side effects are;

"Common side effects of using amitriptyline are mostly due to its anticholinergic activity, including: weight gain, dry mouth, loss of appetite, drowsiness, muscle stiffness, nausea, constipation, nervousness, dizziness, blurred vision, urinary retention and insomnia. Some rare side effects include tinnitus, hypotension, mania, psychosis, heart block, arrhythmias, lip and mouth ulcers, extrapyramidal symptoms, depression, and hepatic toxicity."

According to the instructions, clinical trials have shown that under 25's are more likely to commit suicide due to this drug.

I'm under 25, and as of tonight, this is the newest edition to my bedtime routine. Excellent.

Comment problems, flunked tests, etc

Hey guys,

What a week! Well, the vet in question is resigning......my boss was quick to emphasise that it's not an admission of guilt. It really isnt........it totally isnt..........honestly. Whatever. The guy has cited his reason for leaving as his inability to work with me. I have tried to get along with him, against my better judgement, for the benefit of my colleagues. Alas, you can't get along with someone who treats you as though you do not exist, he didn't look at me, answer my questions about patients, etc. He was generally acting like a petulant child. The whole affair has been badly handled, and I have been treated like the abuser not the victim. Which makes me feel sick. Plus, his girlfriend is working within the same practice, and she is nothing short of a nightmare. She is in disagreement with his notice going in, when I personally think he should have been forcibly removed. Pretty sure if I would have left due to what has happened it would have been classified as constructive dismissal. I'm still totally furious about the whole event and even more so with how I'm expected to just get on with things while he throws a tantrum and gets fussed over by his girlfriend and our boss. Pathetic.

Just wait until my boss gets the letter from college saying I've managed to totally flunk my examination papers. I didn't have the concentration for them today. I didn't see the point in totally throwing myself over the edge with all the worry and stress. I had to get away over the weekend just to clear my mind and chill out, I finally got a decent nights sleep! The train journey was nothing short of horrendous from a wellbeing part of view, I recognised how depressed I was becoming with the work situation. I could feel myself becoming more and more detached to the way life was, and was more miserable. I could feel the darkness. Luckily, my weekend snapped me out of it, being away from work did me a lot of good.

Anyways, to more pressing matters. It was brought to my attention by Sid (The Mass Defective) that the comments box has been throwing a wobbler too, I've had a mess with it and hopefully it now works! Thankyou Sid for letting me know!

Surreal day

This picture totally cheered me up after the day I've had. Nothing like a Loldog or Lolcat! .......except maybe Jelly Tots! Ace sweets they are! Yesterday my supervisors and boss concluded their investigations, they found my colleague guilty of threatening behaviour, but haven't really dealt with it. As he didn't actually hit me, there is no actual evidence. So I'm stuck working with him, unless I can find a way of escaping. Today was total hell, I didn't do any of my normal duties and spent the day basically cleaning. I felt it was a waste of my day and that I'm being punished for standing up for myself and complaining about this aggressive individual. My boss knows this guy hits the animals, abuses the other nurses, and is generally a very unpleasant person, but due to financial issues he's keeping this guy. Money over safety, always nice to know. So I did what anyone would do, I'm making arrangements to leave. I checked my contract and know that as soon as another place offers me a training place then I'm off. For now I just keep to keep safe.

Though I must admit, driving home from work proved to me just how much worse life can be with a Final Destination moment. There was a three car pile up on the motorway, no police or ambulance crews on scene yet, I must have only missed it by a few minutes. There was a guy sitting on the barrier with his car blocking the middle and fast lanes with his car bonnet basically where I expected the drivers seat to be! Scary to think about how near he must have been!

Update

Well, things have gone from bad to worse over the weekend. Saturday night I was revising at work when my colleague came back from his girlfriend's, he was intoxicated. He got himself a drink of whisky from the kitchen and came into the livingroom where I was. I have a major exam monday so tried to focus on the paperwork. My colleague asked me if we could talk, so I asked him what about, turns out my boss had talked to him about the incident the other day. So I said ok, lets talk about it. He denied all knowledge of the incident, and wanted to know "why I had lied to the boss?". When I said I hadn't he became aggressive. He got right into my face and started shouting at me, and waving his arms about, and clenching his fists. He was stood over me the whole time, I couldn't escape. I couldn't leave the room. I just had to endure his tirade. Luckily one of my other colleagues had been working late and she came into the house with a slam of the back door. My aggressive colleague then sat down and just scowled at me then. I was terrified. I left the house and went into the actual work premises and called my parents and my supervisor and boss. I couldn't believe what had happened, I was in total shock. My boss arrived and we moved my things out of the house and into my car, I was sent home.

I'm still shocked that this has happened. But what shocks me more is the fact my boss has explained to me that there is nothing that can be done legally as there were no witnesses! So I'm expected to work with this guy! I'm expected to work with a mentally manipulative and physically aggressive individual. Clearly I burst into tears and was shaking with shock for no reason (spot the sarcasm anyone?). I'd rather never return to that place again! If I wouldnt owe my boss tuition fee money for my course if I left, then I'd leave right now! Hate the idea of going back. I actually don't see the point in going back.

Engage your brain please! *Major ranting!*

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here, however I did post on a forum I occasionally use. To give you guys a jist of what's been happening this was my recent forum posting;

"I'm not expecting a response to this, and I realise everyone is entitled to their own opinions, especially when it comes to the current fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. So I'm going to make this clear - I do not condone the violence, fighting and loss of lives, but I'm backing the army, because I'm backing my brother (who doesnt agree with the war either). Who is now risking his life out there. (THIS IS ALSO MY DISCLAIMER!)

Now to the rant ; How fucking dare you tell me my little brother is only coming home in a coffin! How fucking dare you! You don't know him, you have never met him, and you have no idea of his reasoning for joining the army in the first place. You are an arrogant, evil, malicious bastard! And tomorrow, when I'm calmer, I am going to tell you to your disgusting pathetic face that you are not worth my brother's life! My brother is loving, caring, funny, intelligent, brave and loyal. You are a total scumbag! Not only did you show the company we work for to be totally unprofessional with your timing, but you showed just how sick you really are. Perhaps I should have made repeated jokes when your dad was dying, because everyone else did, I was stupid enough to fight your corner....to give you the benefit of the doubt. But you know what- fuck that now! You burned that bridge and then some. You are worthless scum compared to my brother.

There arent enough words to describe just how sick you make me feel, and if you dare crack that "joke" at me ever again, it will be the last thing you ever say to me."

I have since put in a formal complaint against this individual, and my boss has done sweet F.A. so far. My brother left for war 4 days ago. It confuses me how people can be so heartless with what they say at times, it really does. This is a colleague who has used his position within the workplace to abuse and belittle other members of staff, this is not the first time something regarding the army has been said. I turned a blind eye when he called my brother a "murderer" (even though he hasn't fired a firearm at someone - yet), I turned a blind eye when he insulted injured soldiers being welcomed home, I turned a blind eye because I wanted to keep the peace. I think the time is up now. If my boss does nothing with a verbal formal complaint, this will become a written one - My work is my work, I do not go there to be abused, and I definitely do not go there to have some sick narrowminded twisted son of a bitch abuse a member of my family based on what he does for work.

Today I ignored this guy, I did my job as best I could, and now am staying in the same house as this guy for work reasons (it's the emergency veterinary staff house). I am staying professional because I have to until monday - but inside I feel sick, physically sick. I want to scream, and shout, and inject the fruit and vegetables he has in the fridge with laxatives. Alas, I don't have any laxatives, and I doubt a full on tantrum will help......much. My eyes and my head still hurt from crying yesterday, and I'm still shocked that I drove home in torrential downpour while in the state I was - I'm pretty sure I was a liability on the roads and am lucky I didn't hit someone or kill myself! Anger is not a good thing, but right now it's getting me through work, I just hope it holds out until monday....otherwise there may be more tears. I hate that this person got to me this badly, I hate that I cried one tear because of his malicious words, and I hate him even more because he may be right. If my brother becomes another government statistic the first person I will blame will be my colleague.

I shouldn't think like that......because I will be driven mad with despair and anxiety if I do. I need to believe that he's coming home, and he's coming home safely. There is nothing else to believe.

(Side note - drop me a comment or email re; revenge tactics ;D .........even if their only purpose is to make me laugh)