Well, the shit hit the fan yesterday. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but at 2am yesterday morning I woke with a blinding migraine. Eyes felt as though they were swollen and incredibly painful, I didn't dare turn on the light for fear that the photophobia would kick in and I would spend the next few hours trying to claw my eyes out with my chewed fingernails. I stumbled about in the dark, grabbing at walls, doors, banisters, anything to keep me standing....well, wobbling....until I reached the bathroom and vomitted. I haven't fallen asleep with my head on a toilet seat since university, and I must admit, I haven't missed it in the slightest. I awoke a few hours later with daylight coming through the window, and decided to move, well the aching in my back told me to move. I used the side of the bath to hoist myself up, and then realised if I didn't steady myself, I'd probably pass out and smash my nose on the very toilet seat I was trying to get away from.
My brain felt too big for my skull, the intense pressure was causing temple and occipital pain....which made me incredibly dizzy. While I realise that walking in the dark is going to make me disorientated anyway, I'm pretty sure the light would have completely shattered me. I made my way back to bed and hid away for hours, drifting the day away, slipping in and out of consciousness. I wanted to stay out of reality, my head hurt too badly to be awake. I'd rather have not existed that had to contend with that any longer. I cried when I was awake, I cried until I crashed out again. I made a duvet nest, and buried my head under the pillows. Nothing mattered but the pulsating pain raging in my skull. I wanted to drill holes in my temples, as strange as it sounds now I'm lucid, an electric drill to the side of the skull was actually a really tempting prospect. I daren't open my eyes for fear of further pain and discomfort. The outside world didn't matter, just the world incased in pillow. I controlled my breathing and kept it to a minimum, trying to fool my body into believing we were calm, we were in control, we were ok. We weren't ok, and no amount of slow breathing was making it so. I considered phoning my dad and heading to A&E, but what more could they do for a migraine attack. As I've been told for the past ten years, theres nothing really that could be done other than popping pills, I'd be nothing more than a burden.
I just lay there, in the same place, until mum came home. She states even now that I wasn't coherent, but she'd seen it before when I first started getting migraines. She knows how to react, water, comfort, and time to let me sleep......she checks on me when I'm out for the count just to make sure I'm not getting worse.
For 24 hours, I didn't exist.
Today I saw my GP, I hoped he would give me advice. I hoped he would put my mind at ease. I hoped wrong. He told me the symptoms of my migraine without taking my view into account. He basically tried putting words in my mouth. He told me how I should be feeling, how I should be giving the Amitriptyline the 2 month to settle, how it was all hormonal. Yes, you read that right, it's all hormonal! Wooo, there we are migraine sufferers around the world, blame your hormones........oh, wait, didn't we already test for that? Yes we did. Migraines are apparantly related to hormones when there is a drop in oestrogen levels in the blood around the time of a female's period, which can be caused by the combined pill. Oestrogen and progestogen. You drop the increased level of Oestrogen by changing the pill, to a Progestogen only one. Technically you should not be on a combined pill if you suffer from migraines, especially those with aura, as you are of a higher risk of stroke later in life. I changed my pill from a combined to a Progestogen only about 5 years ago, it made no change to my migraines, so my pill was changed back to a combined, today it changed back to a Progestogen only. I get the feeling the doctors are running out of options. I'm willing to give the Progestogen only pill and Amitriptyline a try for 2 months, just out of necessity.
I'm willing to put up with the side effects, and the fact that my dress size may increase from my happy 8-10 UK. But what I'm not happy with, is the fact that the doctors go round in circles. Lets try diet restriction, we've done that twice over and I have a very healthy diet. Lets try changing your pill, we've done that twice over. Lets change to a triptan, check my records - I have adverse reactions to those, as stated many a time before. Lets try this medication - I've heard this six times already. Lets try upping your exercise - I do over an hour of exercise every day (gym and rock climbing), what more do you want? Lets cut out drinking and smoking - I don't do either and havent since I was 15 years old. Seriously! It's infuriating. Every time I see a doctor we go through all that, how hard is it just to check my damned records? For the past 10 years this is all I've had, I don't want what ifs anymore, I want something solid. I do everything I can to prevent these attacks, so why can't the NHS work with me on this? They treat me like a burden because they can't physically see or feel what's going on. As though I'm lying.
Doctors seem to do the same thing, they distance themselves from the things they can't explain and treat you as burdens when there is nothing physically there. I'm tired of being fobbed off. I'm tired of being treated like a liar. I'm tired of doctors.
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