Surreal day

This picture totally cheered me up after the day I've had. Nothing like a Loldog or Lolcat! .......except maybe Jelly Tots! Ace sweets they are! Yesterday my supervisors and boss concluded their investigations, they found my colleague guilty of threatening behaviour, but haven't really dealt with it. As he didn't actually hit me, there is no actual evidence. So I'm stuck working with him, unless I can find a way of escaping. Today was total hell, I didn't do any of my normal duties and spent the day basically cleaning. I felt it was a waste of my day and that I'm being punished for standing up for myself and complaining about this aggressive individual. My boss knows this guy hits the animals, abuses the other nurses, and is generally a very unpleasant person, but due to financial issues he's keeping this guy. Money over safety, always nice to know. So I did what anyone would do, I'm making arrangements to leave. I checked my contract and know that as soon as another place offers me a training place then I'm off. For now I just keep to keep safe.

Though I must admit, driving home from work proved to me just how much worse life can be with a Final Destination moment. There was a three car pile up on the motorway, no police or ambulance crews on scene yet, I must have only missed it by a few minutes. There was a guy sitting on the barrier with his car blocking the middle and fast lanes with his car bonnet basically where I expected the drivers seat to be! Scary to think about how near he must have been!

Update

Well, things have gone from bad to worse over the weekend. Saturday night I was revising at work when my colleague came back from his girlfriend's, he was intoxicated. He got himself a drink of whisky from the kitchen and came into the livingroom where I was. I have a major exam monday so tried to focus on the paperwork. My colleague asked me if we could talk, so I asked him what about, turns out my boss had talked to him about the incident the other day. So I said ok, lets talk about it. He denied all knowledge of the incident, and wanted to know "why I had lied to the boss?". When I said I hadn't he became aggressive. He got right into my face and started shouting at me, and waving his arms about, and clenching his fists. He was stood over me the whole time, I couldn't escape. I couldn't leave the room. I just had to endure his tirade. Luckily one of my other colleagues had been working late and she came into the house with a slam of the back door. My aggressive colleague then sat down and just scowled at me then. I was terrified. I left the house and went into the actual work premises and called my parents and my supervisor and boss. I couldn't believe what had happened, I was in total shock. My boss arrived and we moved my things out of the house and into my car, I was sent home.

I'm still shocked that this has happened. But what shocks me more is the fact my boss has explained to me that there is nothing that can be done legally as there were no witnesses! So I'm expected to work with this guy! I'm expected to work with a mentally manipulative and physically aggressive individual. Clearly I burst into tears and was shaking with shock for no reason (spot the sarcasm anyone?). I'd rather never return to that place again! If I wouldnt owe my boss tuition fee money for my course if I left, then I'd leave right now! Hate the idea of going back. I actually don't see the point in going back.

Engage your brain please! *Major ranting!*

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here, however I did post on a forum I occasionally use. To give you guys a jist of what's been happening this was my recent forum posting;

"I'm not expecting a response to this, and I realise everyone is entitled to their own opinions, especially when it comes to the current fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. So I'm going to make this clear - I do not condone the violence, fighting and loss of lives, but I'm backing the army, because I'm backing my brother (who doesnt agree with the war either). Who is now risking his life out there. (THIS IS ALSO MY DISCLAIMER!)

Now to the rant ; How fucking dare you tell me my little brother is only coming home in a coffin! How fucking dare you! You don't know him, you have never met him, and you have no idea of his reasoning for joining the army in the first place. You are an arrogant, evil, malicious bastard! And tomorrow, when I'm calmer, I am going to tell you to your disgusting pathetic face that you are not worth my brother's life! My brother is loving, caring, funny, intelligent, brave and loyal. You are a total scumbag! Not only did you show the company we work for to be totally unprofessional with your timing, but you showed just how sick you really are. Perhaps I should have made repeated jokes when your dad was dying, because everyone else did, I was stupid enough to fight your corner....to give you the benefit of the doubt. But you know what- fuck that now! You burned that bridge and then some. You are worthless scum compared to my brother.

There arent enough words to describe just how sick you make me feel, and if you dare crack that "joke" at me ever again, it will be the last thing you ever say to me."

I have since put in a formal complaint against this individual, and my boss has done sweet F.A. so far. My brother left for war 4 days ago. It confuses me how people can be so heartless with what they say at times, it really does. This is a colleague who has used his position within the workplace to abuse and belittle other members of staff, this is not the first time something regarding the army has been said. I turned a blind eye when he called my brother a "murderer" (even though he hasn't fired a firearm at someone - yet), I turned a blind eye when he insulted injured soldiers being welcomed home, I turned a blind eye because I wanted to keep the peace. I think the time is up now. If my boss does nothing with a verbal formal complaint, this will become a written one - My work is my work, I do not go there to be abused, and I definitely do not go there to have some sick narrowminded twisted son of a bitch abuse a member of my family based on what he does for work.

Today I ignored this guy, I did my job as best I could, and now am staying in the same house as this guy for work reasons (it's the emergency veterinary staff house). I am staying professional because I have to until monday - but inside I feel sick, physically sick. I want to scream, and shout, and inject the fruit and vegetables he has in the fridge with laxatives. Alas, I don't have any laxatives, and I doubt a full on tantrum will help......much. My eyes and my head still hurt from crying yesterday, and I'm still shocked that I drove home in torrential downpour while in the state I was - I'm pretty sure I was a liability on the roads and am lucky I didn't hit someone or kill myself! Anger is not a good thing, but right now it's getting me through work, I just hope it holds out until monday....otherwise there may be more tears. I hate that this person got to me this badly, I hate that I cried one tear because of his malicious words, and I hate him even more because he may be right. If my brother becomes another government statistic the first person I will blame will be my colleague.

I shouldn't think like that......because I will be driven mad with despair and anxiety if I do. I need to believe that he's coming home, and he's coming home safely. There is nothing else to believe.

(Side note - drop me a comment or email re; revenge tactics ;D .........even if their only purpose is to make me laugh)

Deep Breath....and relax

This week has been frustrating, upsetting and exhausting in equal measures, upon leaving work I stood in the rain and took a deep breath before getting into my car. I need that breath to enable me to leave work behind for the bank holiday weekend, to stop dwelling, to stop thinking of what needs doing every hour, to stop thinking of how disrespected (Veterinary) nurses are.


I have quite a negative, cynical view on the world, and many a times this is my only way of coping with things. I used to refer to the human race as "human lab rats" because my depression threw me so deeply into turmoil that emotions failed to register and I felt as though I was watching others experience life I merely existed in it. I lived without comprehension of happiness, sadness, attraction, etc. I got pretty good at faking a smile though! That smile is still used on occasion to stop the awkward explanation of why I don't care about what people were doing three weeks before their animal became ill. The last few months my depression has subsided, but my migraines have increased in force - which I find a little unnerving. Unless it's a parasitic twin living out it's days in my brain then I won't be happy with the diagnosis my neurologist is going to give me.

I find myself thinking more about the fact I'm 24 years old, and have not really lived life yet. I haven't travelled somewhere exotic, gotten lost while hiking, tasted sea slug etc. I do some extreme sports, I do running for charity, I donate blood, and yet I still feel empty. Something, somewhere, is missing. A year or so ago I experienced what it was like to nearly lose my life, my car lost control (not something I could even control as the driver) on a motorway in busy morning traffic. I passed a few lanes of traffic and ended up on the hardshoulder with my heart lodged in my throat and my stomach beside my rectum! I didn't hit anyone, no other car was involved, somehow I had navigated traffic with a car not fully working and come to a complete stop. As the adrenaline invaded my bloodstream and that dreaded light headed feeling came I realised that the probability for surviving something like that was slim to none......so imagine my surprise when something similar happened months later in a different car!!! Ever since I passed my driving test I was positive that I'd die in a car, I spend most of my life driving, I spent more time on motorways than I do at home. Those two near misses made me totally re-evaluate everything, and I established that it's time I got out and saw the world......experienced life. I still haven't fully. But at least now I do things for other people rather than seeing them as merely huge lab rats.

I read a study today about how people cannot be truly altruistic. This is something I have been contemplating for a while now, well, since my last blood donation. The main difference between the two theories was the definition of selfishness - I donate blood in case I ever need a transplant, the brain box behind the study says that people are altruistic to get that "buzz/high" from knowing you helped someone else. Which I suppose is true. I took part in a charity run a few months back in memory of someone, and to raise money in support of finding a cure.... and though the initial buzz was good, it soon wore off with the realisation that she should have been there to see me run for her as a survivor rather than in her memory. Could it be that there is no such thing as pure altruism? But if this is true, then what about those people who risk their lives for strangers, they don't think at the time, "oh I'm going to get such a buzz from saving this person".

Hmmm

work waffle

Well, I have known for a while that my boss could not be trusted, I believe the correct description of his personality is "sociopath". His grandiose sense of self worth is ridiculous, every employee is basically "his item, his slave". Bought and paid for. His children have the same ideals as him, they get dumped with us when they finish work and repeatedly tell us "my daddy owns you". One of my colleagues prevented one of the little bastards from getting injured in the work environment and nearly lost her job for "touching the child" when she'd infact moved the child behind her to stop a dog attacking it. A thankyou wouldn't have gone far would it? Personally I'd have let the child get mauled.

Today I found out my boss owes me over a grand, money I will never see. Money that I need. He's been cheating me out of money while paying me below minimum wage (which is allowed when you're a trainee). I'm having to take a second job because of lack of money, and all the while he's complaining of lack of funds while shipping his whole family off for three weeks in the caribbean. I am tempted to remotely hack into his computer system and blitz his computer with one badass virus.........but alas, his computer doesnt work of it's own accord, and he has no idea what "virtual memory" is, so I suppose watching him get slowly more stressed about the fact it's taking twenty minutes to load up is payback of a sort.

Now, I'm writing this while in a mini rage.....induced by the fact I work nights occasionally, without pay (another clause sneakily placed into my contract - I have since learned that reading a contract more thoroughly will prevent situations such as this), and last night I did just that....and nearly ended up putting myself on IV metoclopramide rather than the animal we had in for intensive care treatment. I also had to work my usual day shift today, while looking like death warmed up, actually the merry scythe wielder may in fact have looked sexier than I today, I also may or may not have mistaken the table for someone when I walked into it earlier as I apologised to it. D'uh! My boss came in with a smile on his face having had a decent 8-10 hours sleep, and picked me as his shadow today knowing I was on my 26th hour of work without sleep. Needless to say I bricked it. Especially when I was asked to put an animal to sleep, by injecting into the tongue (a site generally reserved for when animal's crash on the table and adrenaline needs administering ASAP), I could see myself shaking from nerves and lack of sugar (and possible caffeine withdrawal). His face was mere centimetres from mine as I inserted the needle into the vein and pulled back on the syringe, I think we both gasped when blood came back indicating I could proceed with overdosing the animal with an anaesthetic. He expected me to fail, like he expected me to fail with taking radiographs, like he always expects failure. Today the only thing he could fault me on were the bags under my eyes, because I had obviously left my concealer at home......honestly, when working a night shift, who takes concealer with them?

Sometimes, being the underdog pays off when you see the surprised glances.

Taking another risk

Well, I have been given the option to return to academia, I haven't set foot in a university since my BSc Psychology degree..........until this week. Somehow I managed to scrape an interview at once of the most prestigious universities in the UK, which took me completely by surprise, more so with the fact the course won't start for another year. The course in question; MSc Clinical Neuroscience! Half way through the year each student has to pick a specialism, I have already picked mine, which shouldn't be a surprise to those of you who know me -> the specialism I have chosen is the neuroscience behind mental illnesses and neuro-rehabilitation. Which is rather exciting!

So once again I am switching career paths, and heading back to the mental health field after my detour into veterinary nursing. For some reason I keep coming back to that path. I keep wanting to know more about the causes, and possible treatments. I want to know what makes us susceptible to these illnesses, and I want to know if there is a way of preventing them. I want to know how to re-wire the brain after it fails. I want to know what it's like to go into work today knowing that I could actually make a difference to people.

I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm excited. I'm worried that I won't be intelligent enough, I'm worried that I won't cope with being back in academia, I'm worried about leaving my home and relocating for this. I'm worried that I won't find the answers to my questions. I'm worried I won't be able to handle it all. At the same time, I'm excited; I know (without a shadow of a doubt) that I would regret not taking this opportunity, I'd regret not challenging myself and trying.

I'd regret not risking everything for a dream. Naive huh?

199

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8200492.stm

How many more Gordon Brown? How many more lives are you going to destroy? While you sit in Parliament and argue about expenses, you argue about money as though that is more important. It's not! 199 is too many! 1 is too many! Your government lied to us about our reasons for being there, you still do not give us the full story, and yet my own sibling is going to fight. And even though I'm proud of him for going, for risking his life......I'm terrified that he is about to become another statistic for you and your pathetic cronies to ignore. You are not concerned about this "war", you are concerned about the money scandal! How many men do you personally know that are risking their lives? How many friends? Family? Instead of allowing members of parliament to use tax payers money to buy second or third homes, buy helicopters, armour, medical supplies, etc instead. Open your eyes and see whats really happening! Because all I see are a group of money grabbing, egotistical, gas filled, morons who place themselves above everyone else.

We've lost too many men already........but then, you'd only notice if they looked like pennies.

http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/