News - what a load of rubbish

Well, i've been off work for the past two weeks. I was too stressed, i wasn't functioning correctly, and I had a nice sprinkling of severe gastroenteritis. It took me to look the same colour as a kiwi fruit and being incoherent for my boss to realise I was one poorly puppy and sent me home. Technically I should never have left my bed that morning but I was getting guilt-inducing texts from my colleagues - one of which is off sick now because she's "stressed" due to being me down at work. Give me a break, so now my supervisor is demanding to know when I'm returning because everyone is stressed - erm, seriously, no one wants me in work with gastroenteritis. No one.

Anyways, I never realised just how much rubbish there is on TV during the day, until these past two weeks. I have a choice of Jeremy Kyle or Trisha, both with their bucktoothed, lazy eyed, stoned, overweight, individuals who are either bumping uglies with their best friend's man or with their own family members. Makes me wonder why I actually work, I could become a baby-mama and have everything paid for by the tax payer, instead of paying for these other sloths! They make me sick. I'd love to kick their fat lazy asses into gear right down to the job centre. Don't get me wrong, those who need benefits should have it, and those who are off work sick need a better benefit package. But these leeches on society need sorting out, there's a reason we're staying in ecomonic turmoil, the fact there are people being paid more on benefits than those working! (My friend - who has one young child- gets at least £100 more than me per month, and I work. She also has a new house, fully furnished, by everybody paying tax. Her child is old enough to be in a creche, and she is able to work. Instead, shes planning on getting pregnant again to avoid working - nice).

And theres also the current "anger" on the news with regards to the Sun newspaper taking the Conservatives side over Labours . Seriously, there are plenty of MPs (Lord Mandelson I'm looking at you!) who have thrown their toys totally out of the pram; infact, toys, dummy, diaper, everything! It's infuriating, the conservatives didn't rip up the newspaper when it was backing labour, they didn't kick off about bias, they just got on with things regardless. So why is there all this crying and bitching now! Plus, no offense to the Sun, but I'd only buy that in one situation - when all the toilet roll in the world mysteriously disappeared. The Sun will not be making my decision for me......my decision is based upon the current soft incompetent twit in power. If you're working class, then you're not represented. I have a low income, can't get on the property ladder, and still pay an extortionate amount of tax for an NHS service that's definitely not up to parr. The government is a let down, and no amount of screaming will change that fact. I find it totally laughable that a pregnant hippo could do a better job than Gordon Brown when it comes to running the country. But thats just my two cents. In the meantime, labour stop bitching about the Sun - they, like everyone else, know what a total letdown you are.

To top it off

My boss called, that vet has taken back his resignation. I'm forced to work with this guy unless I can find something better. Lets hope I'm feeling better tomorrow, because I have a job interview with another vets ;D Wish me luck not only for the interview, but for me feeling a bit better.

Just me and Enterprise

Just when I thought I was getting used to these tablets I get kicked in the teeth; last night I was frozen. Physically shivering, teeth chattering. I was wrapped in a double duvet, and a single duvet, as well as wearing two sets of pjs, a hoody and 3 sets of socks. And my teeth were still chattering. I was still shaking. I was still cold. I would expect my body to react that way should I be stranded in the middle of the antartic in my underwear, not at home in a duvet nest. Part of me expected to see my breath clouding infront of my face when I breathed out. I must have been there a few hours before sleep took over, but those few hours felt like a life time.

At 3am I woke up sweating, looks like my temperature gauge finally kicked in. So I stripped down to my first lot of pjs and threw my single duvet on the floor. My head was spinning, I could barely keep my eyes open - they were sore and painful, I felt sick, I felt dizzy. I crashed back into bed and huddled into the warm duvet hoping for sleep. I didn't dream. Again. I awoke at 9am feeling as though I'd merely blinked rather than slept, my head still filled with marshmellow. I called in sick again, as I had done the past three days, knowing I have another weeks worth of these side effects before the Amitriptyline should settle and I would return to some semblance of normality. I miss the gym, I miss the rock climbing, I miss being able to walk to the shop without feeling too exhausted to walk back. I hope that this tablet is the cure for the migraines, because otherwise I'll be going through this hell for no reason.

I dragged my double duvet downstairs and threw it on the sofa, both my dogs eyeing it up as a comfortable place to sleep should I stay out of it for long enough. I grabbed my DVD boxset from the table and placed disc 3 into the DVD player, another day of Star Trek Enterprise. I cuddled up on the sofa, wrapped in the duvet and generally geeked out. I could lose days and days watching that series, it shouldn't have been cancelled after 4 seasons......though I haven't seen Season 4 yet. But will be doing should these side effects carry on!

Dr Do-nothing

Well, the shit hit the fan yesterday. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but at 2am yesterday morning I woke with a blinding migraine. Eyes felt as though they were swollen and incredibly painful, I didn't dare turn on the light for fear that the photophobia would kick in and I would spend the next few hours trying to claw my eyes out with my chewed fingernails. I stumbled about in the dark, grabbing at walls, doors, banisters, anything to keep me standing....well, wobbling....until I reached the bathroom and vomitted. I haven't fallen asleep with my head on a toilet seat since university, and I must admit, I haven't missed it in the slightest. I awoke a few hours later with daylight coming through the window, and decided to move, well the aching in my back told me to move. I used the side of the bath to hoist myself up, and then realised if I didn't steady myself, I'd probably pass out and smash my nose on the very toilet seat I was trying to get away from.

My brain felt too big for my skull, the intense pressure was causing temple and occipital pain....which made me incredibly dizzy. While I realise that walking in the dark is going to make me disorientated anyway, I'm pretty sure the light would have completely shattered me. I made my way back to bed and hid away for hours, drifting the day away, slipping in and out of consciousness. I wanted to stay out of reality, my head hurt too badly to be awake. I'd rather have not existed that had to contend with that any longer. I cried when I was awake, I cried until I crashed out again. I made a duvet nest, and buried my head under the pillows. Nothing mattered but the pulsating pain raging in my skull. I wanted to drill holes in my temples, as strange as it sounds now I'm lucid, an electric drill to the side of the skull was actually a really tempting prospect. I daren't open my eyes for fear of further pain and discomfort. The outside world didn't matter, just the world incased in pillow. I controlled my breathing and kept it to a minimum, trying to fool my body into believing we were calm, we were in control, we were ok. We weren't ok, and no amount of slow breathing was making it so. I considered phoning my dad and heading to A&E, but what more could they do for a migraine attack. As I've been told for the past ten years, theres nothing really that could be done other than popping pills, I'd be nothing more than a burden.

I just lay there, in the same place, until mum came home. She states even now that I wasn't coherent, but she'd seen it before when I first started getting migraines. She knows how to react, water, comfort, and time to let me sleep......she checks on me when I'm out for the count just to make sure I'm not getting worse.

For 24 hours, I didn't exist.

Today I saw my GP, I hoped he would give me advice. I hoped he would put my mind at ease. I hoped wrong. He told me the symptoms of my migraine without taking my view into account. He basically tried putting words in my mouth. He told me how I should be feeling, how I should be giving the Amitriptyline the 2 month to settle, how it was all hormonal. Yes, you read that right, it's all hormonal! Wooo, there we are migraine sufferers around the world, blame your hormones........oh, wait, didn't we already test for that? Yes we did. Migraines are apparantly related to hormones when there is a drop in oestrogen levels in the blood around the time of a female's period, which can be caused by the combined pill. Oestrogen and progestogen. You drop the increased level of Oestrogen by changing the pill, to a Progestogen only one. Technically you should not be on a combined pill if you suffer from migraines, especially those with aura, as you are of a higher risk of stroke later in life. I changed my pill from a combined to a Progestogen only about 5 years ago, it made no change to my migraines, so my pill was changed back to a combined, today it changed back to a Progestogen only. I get the feeling the doctors are running out of options. I'm willing to give the Progestogen only pill and Amitriptyline a try for 2 months, just out of necessity.

I'm willing to put up with the side effects, and the fact that my dress size may increase from my happy 8-10 UK. But what I'm not happy with, is the fact that the doctors go round in circles. Lets try diet restriction, we've done that twice over and I have a very healthy diet. Lets try changing your pill, we've done that twice over. Lets change to a triptan, check my records - I have adverse reactions to those, as stated many a time before. Lets try this medication - I've heard this six times already. Lets try upping your exercise - I do over an hour of exercise every day (gym and rock climbing), what more do you want? Lets cut out drinking and smoking - I don't do either and havent since I was 15 years old. Seriously! It's infuriating. Every time I see a doctor we go through all that, how hard is it just to check my damned records? For the past 10 years this is all I've had, I don't want what ifs anymore, I want something solid. I do everything I can to prevent these attacks, so why can't the NHS work with me on this? They treat me like a burden because they can't physically see or feel what's going on. As though I'm lying.

Doctors seem to do the same thing, they distance themselves from the things they can't explain and treat you as burdens when there is nothing physically there. I'm tired of being fobbed off. I'm tired of being treated like a liar. I'm tired of doctors.

5 days in

Well, it's been 5 days since I took the first Amitryptaline tablet. I still have headaches......and I'm now also hungry and tired all the time too. I can't decide whether I'm more hungry or sleepy - how does that work? I feel like eating until I'm sick, and then still pigging out! I eat and eat and eat, and my body still tells me it's starving. What. The. Hell? Though the strangest thing I've encountered is during this feeding frenzy, I have determined I also have the capability to fall asleep. Waking up to realise you've basically face planted onto the chocolate bar you were eating about an hour earlier is just plain peculiar. I have now realised that soup is probably a bad idea. Though this thought process took a while to get through the marshmellow that is currently clouding my brain.

This is the expression I currently have-

minus blood of course

The Amitriptyline is ensuring I have plenty of sleep (as it can be used to treat insomnia) , the only problem is, my body doesn't realise this. It's like having a general anaesthetic; you fall asleep and seemingly automatically wake up again exhausted with an air of confusion. You don't dream. It's as though you don't fall deep enough to dream. Strangely, it also affects how much you day dream too, which I don't like. I miss my day dreams. I miss my dreams. I find myself wondering if Amitriptyline has this affect on other people too, or if I'm the only one having these things stolen from me. Ironically, I feel in a dissociative state most of the time now, I could probably stare at a wall for hours on end and not realise I'd done it until someone woke me from the stupor....or I fell asleep.

Say a hello to.....

Amitriptyline. A psychoactive drug of the tricyclic anti-depressant (TCA) group, it inhibits serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake and is an anticholinergic drug. Meaning it would block the neurotransmitter acetylcholine. According to wiki it's side effects are;

"Common side effects of using amitriptyline are mostly due to its anticholinergic activity, including: weight gain, dry mouth, loss of appetite, drowsiness, muscle stiffness, nausea, constipation, nervousness, dizziness, blurred vision, urinary retention and insomnia. Some rare side effects include tinnitus, hypotension, mania, psychosis, heart block, arrhythmias, lip and mouth ulcers, extrapyramidal symptoms, depression, and hepatic toxicity."

According to the instructions, clinical trials have shown that under 25's are more likely to commit suicide due to this drug.

I'm under 25, and as of tonight, this is the newest edition to my bedtime routine. Excellent.

Comment problems, flunked tests, etc

Hey guys,

What a week! Well, the vet in question is resigning......my boss was quick to emphasise that it's not an admission of guilt. It really isnt........it totally isnt..........honestly. Whatever. The guy has cited his reason for leaving as his inability to work with me. I have tried to get along with him, against my better judgement, for the benefit of my colleagues. Alas, you can't get along with someone who treats you as though you do not exist, he didn't look at me, answer my questions about patients, etc. He was generally acting like a petulant child. The whole affair has been badly handled, and I have been treated like the abuser not the victim. Which makes me feel sick. Plus, his girlfriend is working within the same practice, and she is nothing short of a nightmare. She is in disagreement with his notice going in, when I personally think he should have been forcibly removed. Pretty sure if I would have left due to what has happened it would have been classified as constructive dismissal. I'm still totally furious about the whole event and even more so with how I'm expected to just get on with things while he throws a tantrum and gets fussed over by his girlfriend and our boss. Pathetic.

Just wait until my boss gets the letter from college saying I've managed to totally flunk my examination papers. I didn't have the concentration for them today. I didn't see the point in totally throwing myself over the edge with all the worry and stress. I had to get away over the weekend just to clear my mind and chill out, I finally got a decent nights sleep! The train journey was nothing short of horrendous from a wellbeing part of view, I recognised how depressed I was becoming with the work situation. I could feel myself becoming more and more detached to the way life was, and was more miserable. I could feel the darkness. Luckily, my weekend snapped me out of it, being away from work did me a lot of good.

Anyways, to more pressing matters. It was brought to my attention by Sid (The Mass Defective) that the comments box has been throwing a wobbler too, I've had a mess with it and hopefully it now works! Thankyou Sid for letting me know!

Surreal day

This picture totally cheered me up after the day I've had. Nothing like a Loldog or Lolcat! .......except maybe Jelly Tots! Ace sweets they are! Yesterday my supervisors and boss concluded their investigations, they found my colleague guilty of threatening behaviour, but haven't really dealt with it. As he didn't actually hit me, there is no actual evidence. So I'm stuck working with him, unless I can find a way of escaping. Today was total hell, I didn't do any of my normal duties and spent the day basically cleaning. I felt it was a waste of my day and that I'm being punished for standing up for myself and complaining about this aggressive individual. My boss knows this guy hits the animals, abuses the other nurses, and is generally a very unpleasant person, but due to financial issues he's keeping this guy. Money over safety, always nice to know. So I did what anyone would do, I'm making arrangements to leave. I checked my contract and know that as soon as another place offers me a training place then I'm off. For now I just keep to keep safe.

Though I must admit, driving home from work proved to me just how much worse life can be with a Final Destination moment. There was a three car pile up on the motorway, no police or ambulance crews on scene yet, I must have only missed it by a few minutes. There was a guy sitting on the barrier with his car blocking the middle and fast lanes with his car bonnet basically where I expected the drivers seat to be! Scary to think about how near he must have been!

Update

Well, things have gone from bad to worse over the weekend. Saturday night I was revising at work when my colleague came back from his girlfriend's, he was intoxicated. He got himself a drink of whisky from the kitchen and came into the livingroom where I was. I have a major exam monday so tried to focus on the paperwork. My colleague asked me if we could talk, so I asked him what about, turns out my boss had talked to him about the incident the other day. So I said ok, lets talk about it. He denied all knowledge of the incident, and wanted to know "why I had lied to the boss?". When I said I hadn't he became aggressive. He got right into my face and started shouting at me, and waving his arms about, and clenching his fists. He was stood over me the whole time, I couldn't escape. I couldn't leave the room. I just had to endure his tirade. Luckily one of my other colleagues had been working late and she came into the house with a slam of the back door. My aggressive colleague then sat down and just scowled at me then. I was terrified. I left the house and went into the actual work premises and called my parents and my supervisor and boss. I couldn't believe what had happened, I was in total shock. My boss arrived and we moved my things out of the house and into my car, I was sent home.

I'm still shocked that this has happened. But what shocks me more is the fact my boss has explained to me that there is nothing that can be done legally as there were no witnesses! So I'm expected to work with this guy! I'm expected to work with a mentally manipulative and physically aggressive individual. Clearly I burst into tears and was shaking with shock for no reason (spot the sarcasm anyone?). I'd rather never return to that place again! If I wouldnt owe my boss tuition fee money for my course if I left, then I'd leave right now! Hate the idea of going back. I actually don't see the point in going back.

Engage your brain please! *Major ranting!*

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here, however I did post on a forum I occasionally use. To give you guys a jist of what's been happening this was my recent forum posting;

"I'm not expecting a response to this, and I realise everyone is entitled to their own opinions, especially when it comes to the current fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. So I'm going to make this clear - I do not condone the violence, fighting and loss of lives, but I'm backing the army, because I'm backing my brother (who doesnt agree with the war either). Who is now risking his life out there. (THIS IS ALSO MY DISCLAIMER!)

Now to the rant ; How fucking dare you tell me my little brother is only coming home in a coffin! How fucking dare you! You don't know him, you have never met him, and you have no idea of his reasoning for joining the army in the first place. You are an arrogant, evil, malicious bastard! And tomorrow, when I'm calmer, I am going to tell you to your disgusting pathetic face that you are not worth my brother's life! My brother is loving, caring, funny, intelligent, brave and loyal. You are a total scumbag! Not only did you show the company we work for to be totally unprofessional with your timing, but you showed just how sick you really are. Perhaps I should have made repeated jokes when your dad was dying, because everyone else did, I was stupid enough to fight your corner....to give you the benefit of the doubt. But you know what- fuck that now! You burned that bridge and then some. You are worthless scum compared to my brother.

There arent enough words to describe just how sick you make me feel, and if you dare crack that "joke" at me ever again, it will be the last thing you ever say to me."

I have since put in a formal complaint against this individual, and my boss has done sweet F.A. so far. My brother left for war 4 days ago. It confuses me how people can be so heartless with what they say at times, it really does. This is a colleague who has used his position within the workplace to abuse and belittle other members of staff, this is not the first time something regarding the army has been said. I turned a blind eye when he called my brother a "murderer" (even though he hasn't fired a firearm at someone - yet), I turned a blind eye when he insulted injured soldiers being welcomed home, I turned a blind eye because I wanted to keep the peace. I think the time is up now. If my boss does nothing with a verbal formal complaint, this will become a written one - My work is my work, I do not go there to be abused, and I definitely do not go there to have some sick narrowminded twisted son of a bitch abuse a member of my family based on what he does for work.

Today I ignored this guy, I did my job as best I could, and now am staying in the same house as this guy for work reasons (it's the emergency veterinary staff house). I am staying professional because I have to until monday - but inside I feel sick, physically sick. I want to scream, and shout, and inject the fruit and vegetables he has in the fridge with laxatives. Alas, I don't have any laxatives, and I doubt a full on tantrum will help......much. My eyes and my head still hurt from crying yesterday, and I'm still shocked that I drove home in torrential downpour while in the state I was - I'm pretty sure I was a liability on the roads and am lucky I didn't hit someone or kill myself! Anger is not a good thing, but right now it's getting me through work, I just hope it holds out until monday....otherwise there may be more tears. I hate that this person got to me this badly, I hate that I cried one tear because of his malicious words, and I hate him even more because he may be right. If my brother becomes another government statistic the first person I will blame will be my colleague.

I shouldn't think like that......because I will be driven mad with despair and anxiety if I do. I need to believe that he's coming home, and he's coming home safely. There is nothing else to believe.

(Side note - drop me a comment or email re; revenge tactics ;D .........even if their only purpose is to make me laugh)

Deep Breath....and relax

This week has been frustrating, upsetting and exhausting in equal measures, upon leaving work I stood in the rain and took a deep breath before getting into my car. I need that breath to enable me to leave work behind for the bank holiday weekend, to stop dwelling, to stop thinking of what needs doing every hour, to stop thinking of how disrespected (Veterinary) nurses are.


I have quite a negative, cynical view on the world, and many a times this is my only way of coping with things. I used to refer to the human race as "human lab rats" because my depression threw me so deeply into turmoil that emotions failed to register and I felt as though I was watching others experience life I merely existed in it. I lived without comprehension of happiness, sadness, attraction, etc. I got pretty good at faking a smile though! That smile is still used on occasion to stop the awkward explanation of why I don't care about what people were doing three weeks before their animal became ill. The last few months my depression has subsided, but my migraines have increased in force - which I find a little unnerving. Unless it's a parasitic twin living out it's days in my brain then I won't be happy with the diagnosis my neurologist is going to give me.

I find myself thinking more about the fact I'm 24 years old, and have not really lived life yet. I haven't travelled somewhere exotic, gotten lost while hiking, tasted sea slug etc. I do some extreme sports, I do running for charity, I donate blood, and yet I still feel empty. Something, somewhere, is missing. A year or so ago I experienced what it was like to nearly lose my life, my car lost control (not something I could even control as the driver) on a motorway in busy morning traffic. I passed a few lanes of traffic and ended up on the hardshoulder with my heart lodged in my throat and my stomach beside my rectum! I didn't hit anyone, no other car was involved, somehow I had navigated traffic with a car not fully working and come to a complete stop. As the adrenaline invaded my bloodstream and that dreaded light headed feeling came I realised that the probability for surviving something like that was slim to none......so imagine my surprise when something similar happened months later in a different car!!! Ever since I passed my driving test I was positive that I'd die in a car, I spend most of my life driving, I spent more time on motorways than I do at home. Those two near misses made me totally re-evaluate everything, and I established that it's time I got out and saw the world......experienced life. I still haven't fully. But at least now I do things for other people rather than seeing them as merely huge lab rats.

I read a study today about how people cannot be truly altruistic. This is something I have been contemplating for a while now, well, since my last blood donation. The main difference between the two theories was the definition of selfishness - I donate blood in case I ever need a transplant, the brain box behind the study says that people are altruistic to get that "buzz/high" from knowing you helped someone else. Which I suppose is true. I took part in a charity run a few months back in memory of someone, and to raise money in support of finding a cure.... and though the initial buzz was good, it soon wore off with the realisation that she should have been there to see me run for her as a survivor rather than in her memory. Could it be that there is no such thing as pure altruism? But if this is true, then what about those people who risk their lives for strangers, they don't think at the time, "oh I'm going to get such a buzz from saving this person".

Hmmm

work waffle

Well, I have known for a while that my boss could not be trusted, I believe the correct description of his personality is "sociopath". His grandiose sense of self worth is ridiculous, every employee is basically "his item, his slave". Bought and paid for. His children have the same ideals as him, they get dumped with us when they finish work and repeatedly tell us "my daddy owns you". One of my colleagues prevented one of the little bastards from getting injured in the work environment and nearly lost her job for "touching the child" when she'd infact moved the child behind her to stop a dog attacking it. A thankyou wouldn't have gone far would it? Personally I'd have let the child get mauled.

Today I found out my boss owes me over a grand, money I will never see. Money that I need. He's been cheating me out of money while paying me below minimum wage (which is allowed when you're a trainee). I'm having to take a second job because of lack of money, and all the while he's complaining of lack of funds while shipping his whole family off for three weeks in the caribbean. I am tempted to remotely hack into his computer system and blitz his computer with one badass virus.........but alas, his computer doesnt work of it's own accord, and he has no idea what "virtual memory" is, so I suppose watching him get slowly more stressed about the fact it's taking twenty minutes to load up is payback of a sort.

Now, I'm writing this while in a mini rage.....induced by the fact I work nights occasionally, without pay (another clause sneakily placed into my contract - I have since learned that reading a contract more thoroughly will prevent situations such as this), and last night I did just that....and nearly ended up putting myself on IV metoclopramide rather than the animal we had in for intensive care treatment. I also had to work my usual day shift today, while looking like death warmed up, actually the merry scythe wielder may in fact have looked sexier than I today, I also may or may not have mistaken the table for someone when I walked into it earlier as I apologised to it. D'uh! My boss came in with a smile on his face having had a decent 8-10 hours sleep, and picked me as his shadow today knowing I was on my 26th hour of work without sleep. Needless to say I bricked it. Especially when I was asked to put an animal to sleep, by injecting into the tongue (a site generally reserved for when animal's crash on the table and adrenaline needs administering ASAP), I could see myself shaking from nerves and lack of sugar (and possible caffeine withdrawal). His face was mere centimetres from mine as I inserted the needle into the vein and pulled back on the syringe, I think we both gasped when blood came back indicating I could proceed with overdosing the animal with an anaesthetic. He expected me to fail, like he expected me to fail with taking radiographs, like he always expects failure. Today the only thing he could fault me on were the bags under my eyes, because I had obviously left my concealer at home......honestly, when working a night shift, who takes concealer with them?

Sometimes, being the underdog pays off when you see the surprised glances.

Taking another risk

Well, I have been given the option to return to academia, I haven't set foot in a university since my BSc Psychology degree..........until this week. Somehow I managed to scrape an interview at once of the most prestigious universities in the UK, which took me completely by surprise, more so with the fact the course won't start for another year. The course in question; MSc Clinical Neuroscience! Half way through the year each student has to pick a specialism, I have already picked mine, which shouldn't be a surprise to those of you who know me -> the specialism I have chosen is the neuroscience behind mental illnesses and neuro-rehabilitation. Which is rather exciting!

So once again I am switching career paths, and heading back to the mental health field after my detour into veterinary nursing. For some reason I keep coming back to that path. I keep wanting to know more about the causes, and possible treatments. I want to know what makes us susceptible to these illnesses, and I want to know if there is a way of preventing them. I want to know how to re-wire the brain after it fails. I want to know what it's like to go into work today knowing that I could actually make a difference to people.

I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm excited. I'm worried that I won't be intelligent enough, I'm worried that I won't cope with being back in academia, I'm worried about leaving my home and relocating for this. I'm worried that I won't find the answers to my questions. I'm worried I won't be able to handle it all. At the same time, I'm excited; I know (without a shadow of a doubt) that I would regret not taking this opportunity, I'd regret not challenging myself and trying.

I'd regret not risking everything for a dream. Naive huh?

199

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8200492.stm

How many more Gordon Brown? How many more lives are you going to destroy? While you sit in Parliament and argue about expenses, you argue about money as though that is more important. It's not! 199 is too many! 1 is too many! Your government lied to us about our reasons for being there, you still do not give us the full story, and yet my own sibling is going to fight. And even though I'm proud of him for going, for risking his life......I'm terrified that he is about to become another statistic for you and your pathetic cronies to ignore. You are not concerned about this "war", you are concerned about the money scandal! How many men do you personally know that are risking their lives? How many friends? Family? Instead of allowing members of parliament to use tax payers money to buy second or third homes, buy helicopters, armour, medical supplies, etc instead. Open your eyes and see whats really happening! Because all I see are a group of money grabbing, egotistical, gas filled, morons who place themselves above everyone else.

We've lost too many men already........but then, you'd only notice if they looked like pennies.

http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/

Ummm

I totally love honey and butter on toast......yes at the same time.......no I'm not sick.

Well, not totally ;D

It's like being stoned

Today, I am migraine free! I know, I know, I may be celebrating early, but right now I'm happy just not having the feeling that something is clawing it's way through my skull to escape. Work has been nothing short of a nightmare recently, the mere smell of surgical spirit knocked me sick, my head spinning and thumping like a bad pole dancer, my balance nearly shot. So far I havent had to use the Super Meds prescribed by my GP, and with each slight indication of an incoming attack I pray I don't have to ever use them....especially as they are the most expensive tablets I've ever had to buy!!! If they work when I need them it's fine, but what if they don't? Just like the others?

Also, what is it with people changing their attitude towards me now because of the appointment? I've been having these migraines for nearly ten years and all of a sudden I'm being told to take it easy by friends, family and colleagues - just because I have an appointment with a specialist, changing habits now won't help. Last week I was still running around as though someone had stuck explosive devices up my rear end and no one blinked an eye. Perhaps I just have a thing about being treated like an invalid when I know I'm not, or perhaps I feel a bit cheated by people wanting to "look after me" when they could have tried being more compassionate over the past few years.

And the good news is?

Well, I've just gotten back from the GP's office and......I'm being sent to a neurologist. My doc reckons there is something wrong in my noggin, which has been hiding itself as migraine symptoms. Hopefully not, otherwise i'll have spent the past ten years with something growing alongside my brain. Very odd prospect. Oh gad what if it's a mutant twin?! Might explain my evils tendancies, mwahahahaha!

On a serious note, I got offered Amitriptyline as a migraine medication....which is also a psychoactive drug or more specifically a tricyclic anti-depressant. But, in small doses can actually stop migraines. Unfortunately, my doc seems to think that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to be on them as they more than likely won't touch the pain. Has anyone out there been on Amitriptyline? What's it like as a drug? Side effects maybe? I'm a little curious as I've been give Sumatriptan, but the last time I was given it the drug didn't touch the sides; so Amitriptyline may be the next step.

I dont think my boss is going to like me taking time off.

Oh dear

As I sit here watching Star Trek Enterprise I realise that up until recently the only reason I was watching this programme was because of;

Thats right Trekkies - Dominic Keating (Lt. Malcolm Reed). I can't actually explain to you what it is about him that my 24 year old self finds attractive, the accent, the jumpsuit, I just don't know. Mesmerising.

Anyways, *snaps out of it* - I read an interview he did a few years back when I was oncall over the weekend and thought I'd share the main question;

Which of the other Enterprise blokes could you beat in a fistfight? "Oh, none! Hmm, maybe John Billingsley [Dr Phlox]...but he's got the weight on me. Connor and Anthony and Scott are big strapping, corn-fed fellas. I'm fairly fit - by English standards - but these guys, they're six foot and all muscle. I'm not even 5' 10". But as they say, diamonds are small...!"
Finally, a philosophical question... "Philosophical? Oh you've lost me right there. (Puts on a Vicki Pollard voice) A what? Yeah, but, no but, yeah. Shut up!"
Please be serious, Dominic. Okay, here's the question : If there was a fight between a group of cavemen and a group of astronauts, who would win? "Well, it depends on the environment really, doesn't it? But I would imagine the cavemen could kick the living crap out of the astronauts - they're all mathematicians. My money's on the cavemen mate!"

(Full interview here; http://www.dominickeating.com/2005/Interviews/2005_september.htm)

So, who would win in fight between cavemen and astronauts?

.......

Greetings mere mortals....and zombies too

Hello any newbies to my world......no doubt by the end of the Twilight Zone adventure that is my random ramblings we will all be wearing aluminium foil hats....I have to say I look totally swish in one of those. Anyways - some of you may remember me (though I doubt it) from the Goesroundandround blog created a few years back when I was working in mental health, needless to say I went a bit too far and ended up blowing my cover by revealing the blog to a *ahem* "mate" who blabbed to my supervisor, unfortunately my blog was removed, and I was resigned to twiddling my thumbs for a while.

For those of you who don't know me, it's cool. Welcome along, chances are I will do nothing more than geek out at Star Trek, talk about psychological issues or neuroscience topics that I come across when bored at 2am, extreme sports, or may even mention my job (which is no longer in mental health.....but feels like it with the people I work with), so feel free to share any comments or gossip on any of those. No doubt it will just be a torrent of waffle based upon whatever misdeed I have done, or one that someone has beat me to. But welcome anyways.

At the moment I'm working away from home, which totally sucks. What is it about being away from home that makes you miss your own bathroom??? Other than the fact that the mold in the bathroom here is totally winking at me whenever I shower *shudders* Think this....

"How you doin'?" *wink*

.....but on the ceiling. Barf! So it tends to be a toss up between whether I shower and suddenly develop asthma, or go around like a smelly git for the whole time I'm away from home....usually I just give in and risk my lungs. Ace. Think the only time I wouldn't shower would be at a music festival, on the grounds that there is always someone smellier and sweatier than thou...and usually they're drugged up to notice! Win-win!

On that smelly note, I once again welcome you to my random world, hope you enjoy your stay

;D